Posted by Mandy M. Roth on Oct 13, 2011 in
Just Take Those Old Posts Off the Shelf From the post vault
But I’m feelin’ very Brazilian, or at least a certain part of me is. (hint, hint) There are many pros to this new found freedom. I am now un-constricted. Velcro is my friend once more. No longer do I shy away from the maxi pad aisle. I can use adhesives without hesitation. Better than that I can now avoid the senseless squirm when my hubby decides to travel to exotic locations. The beaches have not only been combed they have been sandblasted.
The cons. For a solid two days after my new found freedom my ‘lips’ were swollen. Can I just say ouch and get a hug? The incredible lengths we as women go to will never cease to amaze me. If I’m not plucking, I’m waxing, or sanding it (yes, you read that right). I’m Italian, why is it that I feel the need to fight nature? And what do you use to ease the discomfort? Chap stick? Utter cream? Can you approach the pharmacist with a straight face? “Excuse me, Sir…my lips are chapped… can you help me?” Do you then have to elaborate further?
Do men go through this? NO! Do I have penis envy now? If it would ease the pain I would take one, thank you! ROFLMAO! I have no clue what I would do with it, and I’m thinking that my aim wouldn’t be so good.
Hmm, moral to the story is that a tropical trip is a wonderful experience and can leave you feeling ultra sexy or ultra sore. Roll the dice, baby!
Mandy
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Posted by Mandy M. Roth on Oct 6, 2011 in
Just Take Those Old Posts Off the Shelf From the post vault
My friend Jean sent this to me once and I kept it because it is TOO perfect not to. Enjoy, fellow shovel sisters.
Are you tired of all those sissy “friendship” poems that always-sound
good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
1. When you are sad – I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue – I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile – I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared – I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried – I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused – I will use little words.
7. When you are sick – Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don’t want whatever you have.
8. When you fall – I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath…I pledge it till the end. Why, you may ask? Because
you are my friend.
Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will
help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
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Posted by Mandy M. Roth on May 18, 2009 in
Just Take Those Old Posts Off the Shelf Since I’m crazy busy and am in need of blog content, I’m revisiting some of faves of mine. Hope you enjoy them and maybe, just maybe, they’re new to you. 
Original “air” date June 23rd, 2007
My “New” Office
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Posted by Mandy M. Roth on May 10, 2009 in
Just Take Those Old Posts Off the Shelf Since I’m crazy busy and am in need of blog content, I’m revisiting some of faves of mine. Hope you enjoy them and maybe, just maybe, they’re new to you.
Original “air” date Saturday, March 14th, 2005
Hello 30. Goodbye body.
I’ve been thirty for ten days now and I’m thoroughly convinced that gravity is doing it’s best to get a head start on making me trip over my own breasts but hey, why the hell not? I’ve been having long talks with my ass in hopes that it won’t mistake the back of my leg as a resting spot. The last thing I want is for my legs primary function to become acting as ass stilts for me so cross your fingers. The irony of turning thirty is I am now in the ‘sexual prime’ of my life. Some sadistic bastard thinks that is funny out there. I so hope you and Dole have to start doing commercials together!
It’s sad when Low Rider continues to play in my head when I look in the mirror. Is that an omen? Should I call a surgeon now? I could be the six million dollar woman, stronger, faster and have that super cool chaa, chaa, chaa noise going on in the background while I’m on the treadmill. I could so kick big foot’s ass.
Seriously though, it hit me that I was not longer the girl I used to be when I set up compilation lists to play while writing. I ran across some old tapes a while back and had to laugh at the difference. I’d like to say it’s because I’m maturing not because my taste in music sucks.
My idea of sexy songs went from Boom Boom (let’s go back to my room) to Sexual Healing. I so bought Lionel Richie and Kool and the Gang the other day. I spent years making fun of my mother for listening to this stuff. Now, this gives me a wonderful idea. Since I spent so long on my Christmas wish list, I think I’ll do a ‘just turned 30 one’ now too.
Men who cannot handle the following need not apply for entrance into the male petting zoo I’m starting for horny women of the world to go. It truly would be the happiest place on earth. I’ve already decided to play It’s Raining Men non-stop there while I sit and do “research” for my next book.
To apply, you must meet the following requirements:
- Must be willing to dance to KC and the Sunshine Band with a straight face without looking as though you are seizing.
- Must firmly believe that Feel Like Making Love is one of the most beautiful songs you’ve heard.
- Must be able to keep pace with Salt-N-Peppa’s Push It. We don’t care if you have back issues or if you are no longer twenty. Keep up or get out of line.
- On slower days INXS’s Need You Tonight will be accepted in place of Push It but don’t expect slow days to happen too often.
- If we decide that we want a cowboy for the day, you must know the words to at least one one country song and you must look like Toby Keith or Tim McGraw in the hat. Conway Twitty look-a-likes will be turned away at the door.
- If you truly believe you’re the gangster of love, prove it and we’ll think about letting you love our peaches. Tree shakin’ is still under consideration.
- You must be able to us take on a Magic Carpet Ride and we better enjoy the ride. We don’t want the lil’ carpet that could. We want the big carpet that did.
- Must find dancing to Pigeonhead’s Battle Flag as fun as we do. If you do, we’ll treat you to something special while that beat is still pumping.
- Must know when, if ever, it’s acceptable to play Prince’s Cream, When the Doves Cry or Kiss. We reserve the right to never explain the correct moments, if any.
- In the event you find yourself sleeping outside, you must hold a boom box (mp3 players with adequate speakers are permitted) above your head while playing Ain’t No Sunshine (when she’s gone) by Bill Withers or any Foreigner song. I think they must have been kicked out a lot. Every friggin’ song they have could work.
- If you make us think of Bee Gee songs you MUST look as good as John used to look in those polyester pants as he shook his ass on the dance floor.
- If Mony Mony comes on and you aren’t standing behind us ready to grind in two point two seconds you will be fired.
- Must never mention we’re too old to want to hear Let’s Go All the Way when we’re going all the way.
- When we ask you to list one Hall & Oats song that makes you think of us, you had better NOT list Maneater or Rich Girl. Pssst…I personally like One on One.
- Must fully understand that bringing When A Man Loves A Woman into the equation when in trouble will not win you points with us. It will win you a swift kick in the ass. Bring it in when we aren’t mad at you and you’ll have less of a chance at pissing us off to begin with.
- Ninch Inch Nails must be perfectly acceptable music to play while your parents are visiting.
- Must understand that we reserve the right to change these rules without notice and that all men let into the petting zoo to be displayed for women must look good in a loincloth and/or leather pants.
I’m so NOT proofing this. I hate edits. Give me this moment to screw up and not need 4 billon edits. LOL
Mandy
(30, aging as we speak and screening applicants for Zoo registration, Looking into acceptable names now.)
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Posted by Mandy M. Roth on May 8, 2009 in
Just Take Those Old Posts Off the Shelf Since I’m crazy busy and am in need of blog content, I’m revisiting some of faves of mine. Hope you enjoy them and maybe, just maybe, they’re new to you.
Original “air” date Saturday, August 14, 2004 (was a post from my old blog–its even funnier when you read the comments on old blog and see my uncle read it too. OY)
But I’m feelin’ very Brazilian, or at least a certain part of me is. (hint, hint) There are many pros to this newfound freedom. I am now unconstricted. Velcro is my friend once more. No longer do I shy away from the maxi pad aisle. I can use adhesives without hesitation. Better than that I can now avoid the senseless squirm when my hubby decides to travel to exotic locations. The beaches have not only been combed they have been sandblasted.
The cons. For a solid two days after my newfound freedom my ‘lips’ were swollen. Can I just say ouch and get a hug? The incredible lengths we as women go to will never cease to amaze me. If I’m not plucking, I’m waxing, or sanding it (yes, you read that right). I’m Italian, why is it that I feel the need to fight nature? And what do you use to ease the discomfort? Chap stick? Utter cream? Can you approach the pharmacist with a stratight face? “Excuse me, Sir…my lips are chapped… can you help me?” Do you then have to elaborate further?
Do men go through this? NO! Do I have penis envy now? If it would ease the pain I would take one, thank you! ROFLMAO! I have no clue what I would do with it, and I’m thinking that my aim wouldn’t be so good.
Hmm, moral to the story is that a tropical trip is a wonderful experience and can leave you feeling ultra sexy or utlra sore. Roll the dice, baby!
Mandy
(who is now wondering how long it will be before her mother calls to yell at her for writing this on the internet)
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Posted by Mandy M. Roth on May 4, 2009 in
Just Take Those Old Posts Off the Shelf Since I’m crazy busy and am in need of blog content, I’m revisiting some of faves of mine. Hope you enjoy them and maybe, just maybe, they’re new to you.
Original “air” date July 21st, 2008
Note to self: Do not send mother to walmart for notebooks
(UPDATE) I have only used 8. I shit you not!
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Posted by Mandy M. Roth on May 2, 2009 in
Just Take Those Old Posts Off the Shelf Since I’m crazy busy and am in need of blog content, I’m revisiting some of faves of mine. Hope you enjoy them and maybe, just maybe, they’re new to you.
Original “air” date February 27th, 2008
Putting Spice Back in the Bedroom! Funny Vids!
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Posted by Mandy M. Roth on Apr 26, 2009 in
Just Take Those Old Posts Off the Shelf Since I’m crazy busy and am in need of blog content, I’m revisiting some of faves of mine. Hope you enjoy them and maybe, just maybe, they’re new to you.
Original “air” date August 15th, 2005
My friend Jean sent this to me once and I kept it because it is TOO perfect not to. Enjoy, fellow shovel sisters.
Are you tired of all those sissy “friendship” poems that always-sound
good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
1. When you are sad – I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue – I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile – I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared – I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried – I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused – I will use little words.
7. When you are sick – Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don’t want whatever you have.
8. When you fall – I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath…I pledge it till the end. Why, you may ask? Because
you are my friend.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you
can only think of two and one of them isn’t speaking to you right now anyway.
Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will
help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
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